Andy Semler

I was sitting at a local cafe with November yesterday. We're both of the transly nonbinary hormonal assortment (I was AFAB, they were AMAB), and it's pretty obvious that we're close to each other.  This particular cafe is one where everyone knows my mother's name, as she's been going there several times a week since it opened over a decade ago.  I rarely visit, but when I do, I can count on somebody recognizing me too, thanks to her.  We went there to caffeinate ourselves after an important morning appointment that left us with no time for our regular homemade coffee.  Of course, my mom stopped in and we chatted a bit and she left as quickly as she came, eager to get on with the rest of her busy day.  After she walked away, another decade-long regular approached us.  I remembered him from years ago, but he clearly did not recognize me. He asked us our names, and then asked if we were brothers.  I said no, we're actually going to be married in a couple months, and that Janice is my mother.  He got very confused, and attempted to ask some sort of question, but could not find the words. "So you're..."  "Not yet married, but will be soon. You know Janice, right?"  He stood there a few more seconds, noises squeaking out as though they wanted to be words, and then finally turned away to rejoin the table with his drink.  Honestly this is a pretty typical interaction for Warsaw Indiana.

I grew up in a very religious household; attended private Christian school k-9 (public school 10-12), went to church twice a week.  I read the Bible so many times in my childhood that I think I wouldn’t need to read it ever again and I’d still know way more than most people about what’s actually written in it.  My dad didn’t believe that gay people existed (I guess he thought they were making it up?).  So it took me a while to realize that I really was attracted to more than one gender, and that there really wasn’t anything wrong with me for not feeling like a girl/woman.

My first marriage lasted 4 years, and that’s where Mountain comes from.  I was in the Air Force, then we tried to move to Italy to live with his family (and failed), and it was overall a chaotic relationship.  I kept trying to be the perfect sexy wife for him, and while it was sometimes fun, it was really not a way I could live my life.  I kinda figured out who I was after I left him, but didn’t know what steps I wanted to take in life just yet.

My next marriage seemed like a step up, because he claimed to accept who I was and never questioned that… but he became more and more sexually abusive, so gradually I didn’t realize what was happening till after he finally left.  That whole time, I was at an insurance brokerage for 6 years, started out as a receptionist then got my license to be an insurance service representative.  I slowly eased into dressing the way I wanted to, and they didn’t exactly like it, but I was their best employee so they let it slide.

After we moved here, I vowed I’d never live that way again.  No more trying to make other people happy by changing who I am for them.  I’m really glad I finally have someone who supports me and loves me for who I am.  Our wedding was scheduled for June 4, but November is feeling like their anxiety disorder would probably not allow for them to have a relaxed and happy time with people watching them, so we will probably do a private ceremony June 3 and then re-purpose the building we reserved at the park for a picnic.  My friend suggested that since June is LGBT pride month, we should have a Pride Picnic.  I worried that family and friends would be sad that we uninvited them all (so to speak), but they are very loving and supportive.  I am overwhelmed with how much love I have in my life.  A decade ago, I felt so lost and disconnected, and now I am part of a supportive community.

Lachelle

I was not born and raised in Kosciusko County, I moved here as an adult.  While it is small compared to the other places I have lived, I like this area.  I think it is a good place to raise a family.  My perception is that because it is a "small town" many people are small minded regarding the LGBT community.  It also seems to be a very conservative, Christian area, as such, most are not accepting of LGBT people.

Honestly I never knew I was "different".  I was raised in the church and thus heard that it was a choice.  So, I guess since I was attracted to the same sex I thought others were as well.  I always believed that every person was attracted to both sexes and chose which sex to be involved with.  In my mind only the brave dated the same sex.  I was over 40 when I realized that most people were not attracted to the same sex.  It was very eye opening for me!  I quickly realized that I was a lesbian.  The years of secretly desiring girls/women and feeling a great deal of guilt (because that was the wrong choice) were confirmation.

In middle school I was constantly getting out of showering with my classmates, I had long, frequent periods so that helped.  I was told that I looked too long at other girls and made them uncomfortable. When I was in high school, I didn't take gym class opting for JROTC instead for the same reasons.  During basic training I simply woke before the rest of girls in my dorm.

When I came out I lost a lot of friends. Ok, most of my friends.  I have attended several churches in the area and the majority of my friends were from one church or another.  I was shunned.  When attending church activities for my children the people I worshipped with for years wouldn't even speak to me.  I have had people stare when I hold my wife's hand in public and heard the whispered comments about the gay couple.  I deliver mail and a customer asked me about my relationship status and when I told her I was with a woman she was disgusted and ranted about my being an abomination before God.  She said that all "gays/lesbians/whatever's" should be banned to an island to die.  I get called sir frequently, even though I have a big bust line and often wear pink.  A receptionist at my Dr's office would not accept that I had a wife.  When making an appointment for my wife, she kept glaring at me and proceeded to ask multiple times if we were married.

One of the most common misperceptions of both LGBT and straight people is that LGBT have a separate and different lifestyle.  This is not true.  As LGBT, we do nothing different; we work, eat and sleep just the same as everyone else.  We just happen to do those things with someone of the same sex.  We are not perverted, or child molesters, nor do we have orgies every night.  We are just like you.

I can't say how this area is changing, as it has only been a few years since I've really been aware of it, however, I do think that in those few years people have become more accepting.  There seems to be less judging when I hold my wife's hand in public.  I think there will be a stronger presence in this area and that as people are educated they will be more accepting and supportive.  I feel like ignorance prevails in this area. Educating the people on LGBT and interacting with them as LGBT in a non-violent manner will enable more people to be accepting.  People fear what they don't understand, the only way to belay fear is to educate them.  Sometimes it takes knowing someone who is LGBT to open the eyes of a judgmental, none accepting person.

I have been presently surprised by the love and acceptance found in this area.  I have been accepted by 2 churches in the area without judgement.  This is important to me because my faith is a huge part of who I am.  It means so much to me that I can worship with and be accepted by other believers.

I do not consider myself to be "in the closet", I am open about being married to a woman.  I try to be respectful and not be "in your face" with PDA, but I have and will hold hands with my wife and kiss her goodbye.  I would not say that I go out of my way to influence public affairs however, if there is an event planned to support LGBT that I am able to attend I do my best to be present.

I have seen more of an LGBT community in the past few years, prior to that I just wasn't aware because I was not seeking it.  Since accepting and acknowledging I am gay I am more aware of other LGBT in the area.  It has been an eye-opening experience to see supporters and other LGBT people in this area.  The fact that we have a Diversity Rally that includes LGBT and an LGBT group at the high school is very encouraging!

40-ish.  Lesbian woman.  Black.  Middle class.  Moved here in the 2000s.

Britt

Kosciusko County was a physically safe place to grow up, 15+ years ago, but it was not an emotionally safe one. I am grateful I was part of a church community that was not completely anti-gay, that my parents and friends were supportive of me. But I did not come out as a lesbian fully until college, due to animosity both perceived and experienced from fellow students, WCHS faculty, and community members.

I was 15 and I saw a magazine letters page where a girl had written in about her two best friends being in a lesbian relationship. They had included with this article a picture from "if these walls could talk II" of Chloe Sevigny leaning up against a wall very close to Michelle Williams... and I suddenly realized what all my friends were talking about when they talked about boys they had crushes on. Yikes. I presented as very stereotypically femme in high school, which was not how I wanted to look, but how I figured I could pass. I'm not sure it really worked, anyway. But I tried. I also used my Christian faith in high school to explain why I "couldn't possibly" be gay.

When I was a senior in high school, WCHS got a GSA. I didn't join for fear but I did fight for it as a member of the student council. One of the ramifications of this club, based out of conservative backlash, was that no clubs were allowed to use public school buses anymore. I was a member of the ski club, and our annual rates went up a bit as we suddenly had to pay for coach buses to Swiss Valley. One day we were getting on the bus and a student in front of me asked the teacher chaperoning, "why can't we use the school buses anymore?" His response was to roll his eyes and say "ohhhh, because of the little 'boys and girls club' we all have to walk on eggshells now." It's the closest I've ever been to wanting to sucker punch a grown ass man. I also was a cadet teacher in high school getting good marks working in a third grade classroom until I wrote a letter to the editor defending gay marriage. Shortly after that the teacher I was working with docked me to a C and sent allegations to my high school advisor that I "favored the girls." And some kids wrote "DYKE" on my parents driveway once.

I'm not in the closet but it's been many years since I've been politically active... except in the sense that "the personal is political" and I can use my "outness" to influence others daily. I no longer present in ways that make me uncomfortable (stereotypically "men's" fashion and a short hairstyle). Being queer has given me a wider world view. I had to work harder as a person of faith to develop something authentic and individual. I am able to relate with others or understand the spirit of their own oppression, if not the oppression itself. I'm a singer songwriter and struggle begats art :). I've traveled a lot and I've written music about growing up in a restrictive environment and the freedom that exists elsewhere. That things are much much bigger than KC would have you believe. It's actually given me some small amount of sympathy toward the people who are born and die there not knowing how much they are limiting themselves. KC people haven't really "allowed" me to develop this because I have been gone from Indiana for 10 years. But they did gift me with the freedom and the encouragement to leave, either by being wholly unaccepting of me, or by being the few teachers, mentors I had that quietly told me I could be who I was and that there was better out there.

I think things have changed a lot in the years since I've been gone. I'm grateful to my own mom for being one of the founders of the diversity rally that exists annually now, and I know that other groups exist. I wish I would have been more courageous and joined the gsa when still in high school. The annual diversity rally and recent counter-protest to whatever dumb thing Monica Boyer was hosting are prime examples of people speaking up and being allowed to do so. I know that one of the major orthopedics companies on Warsaw has a diversity support group for employees, including LGBT. I'm happy to see these sorts of things happening. I'm happy to see that the loudest voices I hear coming out of my hometown and home county are not exclusively white, straight, and conservative. I think things can only get better and I am grateful to the people who stayed behind to make sure they do.

30-ish. Lesbian/queer female. White. Middle class. Lived here in 1990s & 2000s.

Minnie

I have definitely grown over the years. It took a long time to accept my sexuality because living in such a conservative environment, it’s been a struggle. Maybe it’s because it took me so long to come out, because I never had a strong support system until the last couple years, that I’m finally pretty okay with my sexuality. It’s hard getting over stigma and religious beliefs, but I’ve definitely grown a lot as I’ve gotten older and I give less fucks now. Being in a conservative church for so long, living in that culture of shame and guilt… it’s so hard to explain. Even though you logically know things, you still have that brainwashing left you’re trying to get over. I’m okay with myself logically, but there’s still that leftover spiritual abuse. I’m fine being open about it, but it’s hard putting it into words, all the feelings and stuff.

Living here has made me incredibly angry, the longer I live here the more it drives me to try to change things, and to try to be the best ally I can be to other people in the LGBT community and to try to educate others. I’m still a work in progress myself. Since I came to the LGBT community, there’s still a lot I need to learn. I didn’t really know anybody from the community growing up. It really wasn’t talked about, at all.

Even in high school I didn’t know anybody. I kind of was a loner anyway, so I really didn’t pay much attention to what was going on. I was struggling with my own shit. I think that is why I didn’t come out. My parents didn’t really talk about it, plus being in the church, that was all negative, homosexuality was deemed sinful. I didn’t know anybody that was part of the community, I didn’t know what to do, so I kind of buried it. I didn’t know how to talk to my parents about it, so I just buried it. My dad’s an asshole, so there’s no way. He had issues with me just being different, period. If I had came out, it would have been hell. My mom kind of suspected, but she never really said anything, she kinda wanted me to figure out on my own. Negativity-wise, all of it came from the church, but outside of that I wouldn’t hear too much. That’s another thing: it’s either gay or straight, or you’re confused. That’s probably the reason I didn’t come out either, because people kept telling me that “oh you’re confused, because of your mental illness”. No, I’ve known since I was a child that I like both boys and girls. My first crush was a female. I didn’t know what my feelings meant, I couldn’t share them.

I definitely think this area is evolving. Despite it’s very conservative climate, there seems to be a growing number of people who are thinking outside the box, people that are more aware, and especially with the younger generations, they seem to be more culturally aware too, so things are changing. There’s still a lot of hostility especially toward the LGBT community. Personally I haven’t faced a lot of it, because I’m introverted, but maybe that’s because things are changing and a lot of old people are dying. It does seem like the political climate here is swinging more moderate. People seem to be waking up to various issues, there seems to be a growing acceptance of the LGBT community. There’s still tons of discrimination, that hasn’t gone away, but it seems to be gradually getting better. Kosciusko County is one of the most conservative counties in the country. Even though it’s really conservative, it seems like the younger generations are changing things here, so I have a lot of hope for things to progress, especially for the LGBT community.

I saw the need for the Warsaw LGBT and Supporters Group, knowing a lot of LGBT people wanted so desperately to connect, so I initially started a support group. I want to connect too, and since I'm trying to figure stuff out, I want to be around other people in the community so I could grow. Initially it was that I saw the need here and the desperate need, definitely. I had a friend originally say “you should start an LGBT group, you are passionate about LGBT issues, and there’s not really anybody else doing it, so you have a passion for social justice, so maybe you should focus on this.” (I feel bad because I don’t use the entire LGBTQIA+, I think it’s easier to use LGBT, sorry for alienating the other people.) Some of the friends I had already were part of the community. Friends of friends of friends. It’s funny too, because a lot of people I know say “you need to be friends with these people!” All of my friend groups are all connected to one another. That’s how I met so many. Otherwise I wouldn't seek out. Everything kinda fell into my lap.

It seems like there’s a really awesome sense of community in Warsaw. When you're connected, you’re really connected. There’s a lot of love here. I think some of us get lost in all the negativity but once you find a connection, it's really easy to find lifelong friends. Being a small town it’s easier to find connections, despite all the negativity, there are a lot of wonderful people here. Living in a small town it’s easier to find people, especially if they’re different, like you in some way, it’s easier to build lifelong friendships too. I’ve been enriched by the friendships, I want to be a better person because of my friends. They give me hope, they give me the drive to connect with other people.

I know a lot of people not part of the majority feel “oh there’s nobody like me”, but actually there are so many other people with the same desires. I know the hopelessness, I know the feeling of loneliness, but there are such amazing people here also wanting to fight the good fight, also wanting to raise awareness and educate here. I know it’s hard going out to try to connect to people, but once you find that, it’s amazing. This is why I want to live in a big city, but at the same time I know I wouldn’t make those connection in a big city. As much as I hate it here, I know if I move away I will never have those connections again. We’re all connected in some weird little way. There are people I didn’t even know existed here, and it was like WTF? Especially our generation, we are connected. In high school there were a lot of people that I knew, and then I became close friends with them after high school. A lot of them chose to stay here. All the atheists, LGBT, progressives, they all hang out with each other and have friends with each other. Once you meet one person, you meet everybody.

I would like the group possibly to become a not-for profit and set up something in Warsaw that helps especially LGBT youth, like a community center where they can come and get resources. Also I would like the group to be more politically involved, not only as a support group, maybe some sort of activism, connected to other activist groups in the area. I have a lot of ideas I just don’t know how realistic they are. I would love to buy a building when there’s money and use it as a community space, have somewhere we can regularly meet, services, counseling, but that’s a work. I would love to have an LGBT homeless shelter, or even a commune.

29. Bisexual woman. White. Poor.

Cole

I am a very open and proud transman. I lead a group in south bend for transgender males and non binary identified individuals. I am currently approaching my one year mark on hrt. In less than 2 weeks I have a court date to legally change my name and (hopefully) my gender marker.

I realized who I am when I was 5 or 6 years old. I grew up with my grandparents and in the summer all the kids would play outside at one neighbor's house or another. My grandma had pulled me aside to explain that I had to leave my short on when playing outside. My response was "why? The other boys don't". Honestly... It was hell in high school. I couldn't leave fast enough. It did however teach me about hypocrisy, and how NOT to treat others.

The only place I am not 100% open with others as to who I am is at work. I am with the crew on my shift and am working towards being completely open. Hopefully not at the cost of losing my job. I was fired from a position only one time in my entire life. The company terminated my employment due to attendance when according to their own policy I had zero points against me. The owner of the company made no effort to hide his religious beliefs. I was open about who I am as I always have been and you could tell he didn't like it.

There is a small group that has get togethers in Kosciusko County currently. I went to one last month and they were a very nice group of ppl. I think if there aren't more changes for the better, the locals will continue to seek more accepting communities.

I'm becoming more political as time goes on and do what I can to help others realize we are who we are. Be proud and own OT :) I do hope that with being so open I'm able to help others. I've been told I inspire others to go after dreams that they had otherwise thought impossible.

30-ish. Queer trans male. White. Working class. Grew up here. Moved away in 2005.

Anonymous 2

It's a little difficult living in such a conservative town. It has helped me however to still be myself. I don't necessarily feel the need to live out loud. Like not everyone needs to know that I am a lesbian. I am comfortable in my skin. The people I am close with know I have a wife and I'm not ashamed to hide it. My personal life doesn't need to be shoved in anyone's face. I think I went through a phase where I wanted people to know and accept me. But, being myself and being a good person helps people slowly accept. "Hey that's an awesome person and they happen to be gay" helps give our group a better name. My family took a while to be supportive but they got there and are the most supportive. We have to understand that it is still a very new concept for people. And they are uncomfortable with it it will take time. It isn't something that is going to change overnight. It's something we have had plenty of time to come to come to terms with it. They will get there.

I didn't realize I'm lesbian until I was about 20. Looking back it was always a thing I just was oblivious to it. When I was young, i wanted to grow up to be a boy. I was focused on how everything's "supposed" to be and always had boyfriends but realized I was never actually attracted to them, I just picked them because they were fun to hang out with and we enjoyed similar things. When other girls would talk about guys would just agree and say "yea he is so hot. I want to do things with that guy." If I were talking to a guy I could talk a lot of talk but when it came down to it I didn't even feel comfortable kissing them. I realized something was different when all the girls wanted to do things and I didn't get it. It was easy to be a Christian virgin when you're not into that. There is a point where I had to test the waters on both sides. To for sure know for myself. I am a lesbian. That is for sure. I actually developed a sex drive once I finally kissed a girl I liked.

I don't care if people know; it helps when people don't shove it in their faces. I'm not ashamed of who I am and who I am married to. I work in the public and keep it on the down low. However anyone I work with can tell you that I have a wife and a step-son who are my world. Some people are uncomfortable when I talk about it and I know not to talk about it around them - I'm being respectful to them and their belief or choice, and then they are respectful to me in return. It's a delicate balance. I was bagging groceries one day and a very conservative girl who I used to work with and knew I was gay, told me she didn't want me to bag her groceries. What irritates me the most is when you tell someone and then they think you are into them. Like honey, if most men aren't into you what makes you think I'm into you? Just because you are a girl doesn't mean I'm into you, I have standards. Are you into any just guy because he has a penis? No. I'm not into you, I am just being nice to you.

I just say screw it, and be happy - I got married to my best friend the love of my life. And couldn't be happier. So worth it. What's the point of living a lie and being miserable just to do what everyone else is comfortable with? It's nice when people know you and find out and are like oh OK. And that's it. Then say "you're married right? Tell me about your wife."

We can marry - that is huge! I think that's a little more acceptable. I think it will take time but I think eventually people will realize they are just people nothing to be afraid of.

30-ish. Lesbian female. White. Middle class. Lived here entire life.