I was sitting at a local cafe with November yesterday. We're both of the transly nonbinary hormonal assortment (I was AFAB, they were AMAB), and it's pretty obvious that we're close to each other. This particular cafe is one where everyone knows my mother's name, as she's been going there several times a week since it opened over a decade ago. I rarely visit, but when I do, I can count on somebody recognizing me too, thanks to her. We went there to caffeinate ourselves after an important morning appointment that left us with no time for our regular homemade coffee. Of course, my mom stopped in and we chatted a bit and she left as quickly as she came, eager to get on with the rest of her busy day. After she walked away, another decade-long regular approached us. I remembered him from years ago, but he clearly did not recognize me. He asked us our names, and then asked if we were brothers. I said no, we're actually going to be married in a couple months, and that Janice is my mother. He got very confused, and attempted to ask some sort of question, but could not find the words. "So you're..." "Not yet married, but will be soon. You know Janice, right?" He stood there a few more seconds, noises squeaking out as though they wanted to be words, and then finally turned away to rejoin the table with his drink. Honestly this is a pretty typical interaction for Warsaw Indiana.
I grew up in a very religious household; attended private Christian school k-9 (public school 10-12), went to church twice a week. I read the Bible so many times in my childhood that I think I wouldn’t need to read it ever again and I’d still know way more than most people about what’s actually written in it. My dad didn’t believe that gay people existed (I guess he thought they were making it up?). So it took me a while to realize that I really was attracted to more than one gender, and that there really wasn’t anything wrong with me for not feeling like a girl/woman.
My first marriage lasted 4 years, and that’s where Mountain comes from. I was in the Air Force, then we tried to move to Italy to live with his family (and failed), and it was overall a chaotic relationship. I kept trying to be the perfect sexy wife for him, and while it was sometimes fun, it was really not a way I could live my life. I kinda figured out who I was after I left him, but didn’t know what steps I wanted to take in life just yet.
My next marriage seemed like a step up, because he claimed to accept who I was and never questioned that… but he became more and more sexually abusive, so gradually I didn’t realize what was happening till after he finally left. That whole time, I was at an insurance brokerage for 6 years, started out as a receptionist then got my license to be an insurance service representative. I slowly eased into dressing the way I wanted to, and they didn’t exactly like it, but I was their best employee so they let it slide.
After we moved here, I vowed I’d never live that way again. No more trying to make other people happy by changing who I am for them. I’m really glad I finally have someone who supports me and loves me for who I am. Our wedding was scheduled for June 4, but November is feeling like their anxiety disorder would probably not allow for them to have a relaxed and happy time with people watching them, so we will probably do a private ceremony June 3 and then re-purpose the building we reserved at the park for a picnic. My friend suggested that since June is LGBT pride month, we should have a Pride Picnic. I worried that family and friends would be sad that we uninvited them all (so to speak), but they are very loving and supportive. I am overwhelmed with how much love I have in my life. A decade ago, I felt so lost and disconnected, and now I am part of a supportive community.
Showing posts with label transgender. Show all posts
Showing posts with label transgender. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Saturday, March 19, 2016
November Kelly
I think the best way to describe Kosciusko County is "isolating and cultlike", in that everyone conforms to a certain way of thinking, and anyone who doesn't is sort of cast out of society and isolated. It's very lonely. There's only one kind of person who is allowed to exist.
When I moved here, I was fed up with organized religion, even though I was very much religious. I still very much believed in god and thought that the ultimate goal of my life was to bring glory to god, but I saw that the church wasn't providing any useful function. In fact, I thought that the church was standing in the way of my relationship with god. Now I realize it was standing between me and my own humanity. Moving here gave me a lot of time to be alone, because there was no one else to be with; for years I had no friends, very little human interaction for years. It forced me to figure things out on my own. No one here has ever enabled me to do anything.
Unfortunately it is very dangerous to engage in clandestine sexual encounters, because even the queer people here have been forced to internalize these fucked up ideas about themselves. They're forced into hiding and they're forced into these clandestine encounters. That's isolating, and isolation produces a dangerous 1-on-1 that is prone to becoming abusive. It's not healthy to hide integral parts of yourself. For a very short time I took part in those kinds of encounters, and I realized how dangerous it was and stopped.
I'm very private and very political. I mean, I'm forced into privacy by nature of having my own thoughts and not conforming to whatever I'm told to believe. I don't try to have a political influence around here; there's really no point. It's not even a matter of hiding. It's more a matter of there's nowhere to go, unless you agree that we should line up the Muslims and gays and shoot them. There's no place for me here. Every time I leave the house, every time I interact with someone in this city. You just walk around and you hear people talking about how you should line up all the Muslims and shoot them, kill all the black protesters.
I go out being visibly trans and I get followed through the grocery store - it's every single time I go out. I was fired from my job and denied benefits that I had earned, and I'll never see those benefits. They lied about the reason they fired me. They get away with it because I'm completely isolated and have no recourse. Living here is a constant stream of bigotry and discrimination.
I can't imagine Kosciusko County has changed much over the years. I don't know how it could have changed, because it's set up in such a way that it can't ever change, or at least I can't see how it could ever change. It's depressing as fuck. This whole experience has been very sad.
Being trans and being queer is just being who I am. It's the way I experience the world. I love who I am. I'll never try to be someone else to win the favor of others, because I only have this one way to experience the world. Trying to be anything else has always been impossible; it's always run me into a dead end.
25. Nonbinary trans woman. White. Disabled. Moved here in 2009.
When I moved here, I was fed up with organized religion, even though I was very much religious. I still very much believed in god and thought that the ultimate goal of my life was to bring glory to god, but I saw that the church wasn't providing any useful function. In fact, I thought that the church was standing in the way of my relationship with god. Now I realize it was standing between me and my own humanity. Moving here gave me a lot of time to be alone, because there was no one else to be with; for years I had no friends, very little human interaction for years. It forced me to figure things out on my own. No one here has ever enabled me to do anything.
Unfortunately it is very dangerous to engage in clandestine sexual encounters, because even the queer people here have been forced to internalize these fucked up ideas about themselves. They're forced into hiding and they're forced into these clandestine encounters. That's isolating, and isolation produces a dangerous 1-on-1 that is prone to becoming abusive. It's not healthy to hide integral parts of yourself. For a very short time I took part in those kinds of encounters, and I realized how dangerous it was and stopped.
I'm very private and very political. I mean, I'm forced into privacy by nature of having my own thoughts and not conforming to whatever I'm told to believe. I don't try to have a political influence around here; there's really no point. It's not even a matter of hiding. It's more a matter of there's nowhere to go, unless you agree that we should line up the Muslims and gays and shoot them. There's no place for me here. Every time I leave the house, every time I interact with someone in this city. You just walk around and you hear people talking about how you should line up all the Muslims and shoot them, kill all the black protesters.
I go out being visibly trans and I get followed through the grocery store - it's every single time I go out. I was fired from my job and denied benefits that I had earned, and I'll never see those benefits. They lied about the reason they fired me. They get away with it because I'm completely isolated and have no recourse. Living here is a constant stream of bigotry and discrimination.
I can't imagine Kosciusko County has changed much over the years. I don't know how it could have changed, because it's set up in such a way that it can't ever change, or at least I can't see how it could ever change. It's depressing as fuck. This whole experience has been very sad.
Being trans and being queer is just being who I am. It's the way I experience the world. I love who I am. I'll never try to be someone else to win the favor of others, because I only have this one way to experience the world. Trying to be anything else has always been impossible; it's always run me into a dead end.
25. Nonbinary trans woman. White. Disabled. Moved here in 2009.
Thursday, February 25, 2016
Gimln
I figured out that I'm male when I was 4, but it didn’t click till I was 13. My mom takes care of most of the research for me, but my family's attitudes toward me has not changed.
People are being a lot more accepting these days, it’s not as much a crime to be different. The stuff on Caitlyn Jenner, I thought that was interesting. Warsaw Community High School talked about that for a little bit, but now it’s died out. From what I heard it was mostly positive. I have been teased in the past, so I really don’t tell anyone, and I know it’s not safe; I don’t want to end up hurt or anything.
The high school does have a GSA, Ms Hamilton is our resource coordinator, she has all these books and stuff in her classroom. She welcomes anyone, but there’s no harm in her classroom or she kicks you out. The groups meet once a month. Sometimes we hang out, sometimes it’s serious business, sometimes it’s education days like about gender verbs or differences between one thing and another, like gender fluid vs transgender.
Q: How do you think it would help if these things were taught in a general education like a health class, rather than at a school club? A: I think it would make a difference, there’s so much they could teach us that’s out there, but they don’t help us understand it.
The Leesburg/Clunette area, they’re a little more against the acceptance, they don’t think it’s right. It’s a lot of older people. In the Warsaw area, it’s a lot more accepting, they allow the LGBT community to participate in events that they didn’t used to. My immediate family is mostly supportive, but my grandmother sometimes forgets certain things; it’s difficult to break the habit.
I think understanding myself as transgender kinda fixes certain problems that I have - I have a lot stronger grip than a normal girl would. It’s kinda nice that if they don’t change the law, I would get paid more than woman, but it’s not fair to women. I feel better about myself; I don’t hate everything about me.
I definitely have to leave this area for the job I want. I hate Burbank California, but it’s where Walt Disney Animation Studios is. If that doesn’t work, I might end up teaching in a high school in California or elsewhere.
16. Trans male. Straight, prefer no sexual partner. White. Lived in area whole life. Not out to many people.
People are being a lot more accepting these days, it’s not as much a crime to be different. The stuff on Caitlyn Jenner, I thought that was interesting. Warsaw Community High School talked about that for a little bit, but now it’s died out. From what I heard it was mostly positive. I have been teased in the past, so I really don’t tell anyone, and I know it’s not safe; I don’t want to end up hurt or anything.
The high school does have a GSA, Ms Hamilton is our resource coordinator, she has all these books and stuff in her classroom. She welcomes anyone, but there’s no harm in her classroom or she kicks you out. The groups meet once a month. Sometimes we hang out, sometimes it’s serious business, sometimes it’s education days like about gender verbs or differences between one thing and another, like gender fluid vs transgender.
Q: How do you think it would help if these things were taught in a general education like a health class, rather than at a school club? A: I think it would make a difference, there’s so much they could teach us that’s out there, but they don’t help us understand it.
The Leesburg/Clunette area, they’re a little more against the acceptance, they don’t think it’s right. It’s a lot of older people. In the Warsaw area, it’s a lot more accepting, they allow the LGBT community to participate in events that they didn’t used to. My immediate family is mostly supportive, but my grandmother sometimes forgets certain things; it’s difficult to break the habit.
I think understanding myself as transgender kinda fixes certain problems that I have - I have a lot stronger grip than a normal girl would. It’s kinda nice that if they don’t change the law, I would get paid more than woman, but it’s not fair to women. I feel better about myself; I don’t hate everything about me.
I definitely have to leave this area for the job I want. I hate Burbank California, but it’s where Walt Disney Animation Studios is. If that doesn’t work, I might end up teaching in a high school in California or elsewhere.
16. Trans male. Straight, prefer no sexual partner. White. Lived in area whole life. Not out to many people.
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Jessi
There are a lot of older people where I work, and I get funny looks from time to time. I don't really care, but it's a larger company, so I know they can't say anything. Some of them are really nice.
I remember the arrests that happened around 90-91... it was at Lucerne Park. There were people who were meeting at night, going into the cabins. People eventually figured it out and they had an undercover sting out there. They got arrested. The paper was brutal. Had their names and businesses, some were business owners, front page of the paper. It was a very intolerant community at that time, it was completely to shame them. One was the florist, I'm surprise he managed to stay in business. You'd drive by and never see any patrons in the lot there. Typical evangelical community.
I remember the Ryan White thing. He was the hemophiliac who got HIV in the 80s. That was a really terrible thing because at that time they had no idea what to do - no retroviral drugs. If you got that, you died. It happened somewhere in the south in Indiana, but it was a national story because he was younger child, got it via blood transfusion, and there was a lot of gay fearmongering about that. Not only was it that gays are immoral, now there's this medical fearmongering.
That stuff was going on when I was in elementary school and did not understand myself then. But I did assume I wasn't a bad person, so I assumed I was straight. It wasn't until a number of years later that I started to understand my sexuality. A lot of it is I was raised in an orthodox family. I actually believed all that.
I was in the military; I was out with some friends, after a difficult deployment. Being in the Navy we hadn't drank in quite a while. We were doing the bar thing. I got separated from them, and I was like "fine whatever", so I did some more drinking, ran into a few other people, and started bar-hopping. At one point I exceeded my limits, got sick, the room was spinning, so I went outside to find a place to vomit. I got out to the street and I couldn't find any grassy knolls, so I ended up in a bus shelter. I passed out and the person who found me was... not a good samaritan. It was traumatizing for quite a while. And I know that a certain portion of that was me thinking "well I'm straight and I had this happen, what does that mean?" I think that's really what it took to even start to consider those possibilities. I don't think I ever would have gotten there or even realized it. That's probably a terrible way to put it. When I look back, even my childhood, there were definitely signs that I could see. It was really the socialization that had me so set against it. I can really shake my finger at Christianity now. It's hard not to be bitter.
Another story about someone else: It was in high school, 92-93. One of the girls used to go out to a place in Fort Wayne, a gay bar there. She came into school one day the entire side of her face purple, bruised up, her eye swollen shut. She was on the sidewalk going into the bar, and it was a thing for assholes to throw baseballs at people coming out for their entertainment.
I don't think that kind of stuff would be common anymore. There are a lot more people now who actually understand, whereas before, they didn't. They assumed really bad things about the person, about their choices. The only choice is whether you're going to accept yourself or not. If I were still a very spiritual person, maybe I never would have. I'm glad that I'm not spiritual.
I think my life is better now. I understand myself better, I'm happier. A lot of it is sexuality, but from my perspective it's closer related to gender... It's a lot easier on me to realize that some of the traits I have are not something that I should be ashamed of because I don't live up to the socially acceptable standards of masculinity. Obviously there are pretty high standards of being a man, and if you reject that, it's not always easy. It's so much more authentic for me, rather than trying to go through life like an actor and worry about whether I'm pleasing people or not.
There are some very good people who come from Indiana. The funny thing is a lot of them don't stay in the state. They have the tendency to leave. The best thing I can stay for this state is there are a few good people. I wanted to leave when I was younger, and I did get away. I hate to admit it, but this is home. I have roots here, I would like to stay for that reason. Sometimes.
38. Pansexual trans woman. White. First moved here 30 years ago.
I remember the arrests that happened around 90-91... it was at Lucerne Park. There were people who were meeting at night, going into the cabins. People eventually figured it out and they had an undercover sting out there. They got arrested. The paper was brutal. Had their names and businesses, some were business owners, front page of the paper. It was a very intolerant community at that time, it was completely to shame them. One was the florist, I'm surprise he managed to stay in business. You'd drive by and never see any patrons in the lot there. Typical evangelical community.
I remember the Ryan White thing. He was the hemophiliac who got HIV in the 80s. That was a really terrible thing because at that time they had no idea what to do - no retroviral drugs. If you got that, you died. It happened somewhere in the south in Indiana, but it was a national story because he was younger child, got it via blood transfusion, and there was a lot of gay fearmongering about that. Not only was it that gays are immoral, now there's this medical fearmongering.
That stuff was going on when I was in elementary school and did not understand myself then. But I did assume I wasn't a bad person, so I assumed I was straight. It wasn't until a number of years later that I started to understand my sexuality. A lot of it is I was raised in an orthodox family. I actually believed all that.
I was in the military; I was out with some friends, after a difficult deployment. Being in the Navy we hadn't drank in quite a while. We were doing the bar thing. I got separated from them, and I was like "fine whatever", so I did some more drinking, ran into a few other people, and started bar-hopping. At one point I exceeded my limits, got sick, the room was spinning, so I went outside to find a place to vomit. I got out to the street and I couldn't find any grassy knolls, so I ended up in a bus shelter. I passed out and the person who found me was... not a good samaritan. It was traumatizing for quite a while. And I know that a certain portion of that was me thinking "well I'm straight and I had this happen, what does that mean?" I think that's really what it took to even start to consider those possibilities. I don't think I ever would have gotten there or even realized it. That's probably a terrible way to put it. When I look back, even my childhood, there were definitely signs that I could see. It was really the socialization that had me so set against it. I can really shake my finger at Christianity now. It's hard not to be bitter.
Another story about someone else: It was in high school, 92-93. One of the girls used to go out to a place in Fort Wayne, a gay bar there. She came into school one day the entire side of her face purple, bruised up, her eye swollen shut. She was on the sidewalk going into the bar, and it was a thing for assholes to throw baseballs at people coming out for their entertainment.
I don't think that kind of stuff would be common anymore. There are a lot more people now who actually understand, whereas before, they didn't. They assumed really bad things about the person, about their choices. The only choice is whether you're going to accept yourself or not. If I were still a very spiritual person, maybe I never would have. I'm glad that I'm not spiritual.
I think my life is better now. I understand myself better, I'm happier. A lot of it is sexuality, but from my perspective it's closer related to gender... It's a lot easier on me to realize that some of the traits I have are not something that I should be ashamed of because I don't live up to the socially acceptable standards of masculinity. Obviously there are pretty high standards of being a man, and if you reject that, it's not always easy. It's so much more authentic for me, rather than trying to go through life like an actor and worry about whether I'm pleasing people or not.
There are some very good people who come from Indiana. The funny thing is a lot of them don't stay in the state. They have the tendency to leave. The best thing I can stay for this state is there are a few good people. I wanted to leave when I was younger, and I did get away. I hate to admit it, but this is home. I have roots here, I would like to stay for that reason. Sometimes.
38. Pansexual trans woman. White. First moved here 30 years ago.
Friday, February 5, 2016
Cole
I am a very open and proud transman. I lead a group in south bend for transgender males and non binary identified individuals. I am currently approaching my one year mark on hrt. In less than 2 weeks I have a court date to legally change my name and (hopefully) my gender marker.
I realized who I am when I was 5 or 6 years old. I grew up with my grandparents and in the summer all the kids would play outside at one neighbor's house or another. My grandma had pulled me aside to explain that I had to leave my short on when playing outside. My response was "why? The other boys don't". Honestly... It was hell in high school. I couldn't leave fast enough. It did however teach me about hypocrisy, and how NOT to treat others.
The only place I am not 100% open with others as to who I am is at work. I am with the crew on my shift and am working towards being completely open. Hopefully not at the cost of losing my job. I was fired from a position only one time in my entire life. The company terminated my employment due to attendance when according to their own policy I had zero points against me. The owner of the company made no effort to hide his religious beliefs. I was open about who I am as I always have been and you could tell he didn't like it.
There is a small group that has get togethers in Kosciusko County currently. I went to one last month and they were a very nice group of ppl. I think if there aren't more changes for the better, the locals will continue to seek more accepting communities.
I'm becoming more political as time goes on and do what I can to help others realize we are who we are. Be proud and own OT :) I do hope that with being so open I'm able to help others. I've been told I inspire others to go after dreams that they had otherwise thought impossible.
30-ish. Queer trans male. White. Working class. Grew up here. Moved away in 2005.
I realized who I am when I was 5 or 6 years old. I grew up with my grandparents and in the summer all the kids would play outside at one neighbor's house or another. My grandma had pulled me aside to explain that I had to leave my short on when playing outside. My response was "why? The other boys don't". Honestly... It was hell in high school. I couldn't leave fast enough. It did however teach me about hypocrisy, and how NOT to treat others.
The only place I am not 100% open with others as to who I am is at work. I am with the crew on my shift and am working towards being completely open. Hopefully not at the cost of losing my job. I was fired from a position only one time in my entire life. The company terminated my employment due to attendance when according to their own policy I had zero points against me. The owner of the company made no effort to hide his religious beliefs. I was open about who I am as I always have been and you could tell he didn't like it.
There is a small group that has get togethers in Kosciusko County currently. I went to one last month and they were a very nice group of ppl. I think if there aren't more changes for the better, the locals will continue to seek more accepting communities.
I'm becoming more political as time goes on and do what I can to help others realize we are who we are. Be proud and own OT :) I do hope that with being so open I'm able to help others. I've been told I inspire others to go after dreams that they had otherwise thought impossible.
30-ish. Queer trans male. White. Working class. Grew up here. Moved away in 2005.
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