I was sitting at a local cafe with November yesterday. We're both of the transly nonbinary hormonal assortment (I was AFAB, they were AMAB), and it's pretty obvious that we're close to each other. This particular cafe is one where everyone knows my mother's name, as she's been going there several times a week since it opened over a decade ago. I rarely visit, but when I do, I can count on somebody recognizing me too, thanks to her. We went there to caffeinate ourselves after an important morning appointment that left us with no time for our regular homemade coffee. Of course, my mom stopped in and we chatted a bit and she left as quickly as she came, eager to get on with the rest of her busy day. After she walked away, another decade-long regular approached us. I remembered him from years ago, but he clearly did not recognize me. He asked us our names, and then asked if we were brothers. I said no, we're actually going to be married in a couple months, and that Janice is my mother. He got very confused, and attempted to ask some sort of question, but could not find the words. "So you're..." "Not yet married, but will be soon. You know Janice, right?" He stood there a few more seconds, noises squeaking out as though they wanted to be words, and then finally turned away to rejoin the table with his drink. Honestly this is a pretty typical interaction for Warsaw Indiana.
I grew up in a very religious household; attended private Christian school k-9 (public school 10-12), went to church twice a week. I read the Bible so many times in my childhood that I think I wouldn’t need to read it ever again and I’d still know way more than most people about what’s actually written in it. My dad didn’t believe that gay people existed (I guess he thought they were making it up?). So it took me a while to realize that I really was attracted to more than one gender, and that there really wasn’t anything wrong with me for not feeling like a girl/woman.
My first marriage lasted 4 years, and that’s where Mountain comes from. I was in the Air Force, then we tried to move to Italy to live with his family (and failed), and it was overall a chaotic relationship. I kept trying to be the perfect sexy wife for him, and while it was sometimes fun, it was really not a way I could live my life. I kinda figured out who I was after I left him, but didn’t know what steps I wanted to take in life just yet.
My next marriage seemed like a step up, because he claimed to accept who I was and never questioned that… but he became more and more sexually abusive, so gradually I didn’t realize what was happening till after he finally left. That whole time, I was at an insurance brokerage for 6 years, started out as a receptionist then got my license to be an insurance service representative. I slowly eased into dressing the way I wanted to, and they didn’t exactly like it, but I was their best employee so they let it slide.
After we moved here, I vowed I’d never live that way again. No more trying to make other people happy by changing who I am for them. I’m really glad I finally have someone who supports me and loves me for who I am. Our wedding was scheduled for June 4, but November is feeling like their anxiety disorder would probably not allow for them to have a relaxed and happy time with people watching them, so we will probably do a private ceremony June 3 and then re-purpose the building we reserved at the park for a picnic. My friend suggested that since June is LGBT pride month, we should have a Pride Picnic. I worried that family and friends would be sad that we uninvited them all (so to speak), but they are very loving and supportive. I am overwhelmed with how much love I have in my life. A decade ago, I felt so lost and disconnected, and now I am part of a supportive community.
Showing posts with label poverty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label poverty. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Saturday, March 19, 2016
November Kelly
I think the best way to describe Kosciusko County is "isolating and cultlike", in that everyone conforms to a certain way of thinking, and anyone who doesn't is sort of cast out of society and isolated. It's very lonely. There's only one kind of person who is allowed to exist.
When I moved here, I was fed up with organized religion, even though I was very much religious. I still very much believed in god and thought that the ultimate goal of my life was to bring glory to god, but I saw that the church wasn't providing any useful function. In fact, I thought that the church was standing in the way of my relationship with god. Now I realize it was standing between me and my own humanity. Moving here gave me a lot of time to be alone, because there was no one else to be with; for years I had no friends, very little human interaction for years. It forced me to figure things out on my own. No one here has ever enabled me to do anything.
Unfortunately it is very dangerous to engage in clandestine sexual encounters, because even the queer people here have been forced to internalize these fucked up ideas about themselves. They're forced into hiding and they're forced into these clandestine encounters. That's isolating, and isolation produces a dangerous 1-on-1 that is prone to becoming abusive. It's not healthy to hide integral parts of yourself. For a very short time I took part in those kinds of encounters, and I realized how dangerous it was and stopped.
I'm very private and very political. I mean, I'm forced into privacy by nature of having my own thoughts and not conforming to whatever I'm told to believe. I don't try to have a political influence around here; there's really no point. It's not even a matter of hiding. It's more a matter of there's nowhere to go, unless you agree that we should line up the Muslims and gays and shoot them. There's no place for me here. Every time I leave the house, every time I interact with someone in this city. You just walk around and you hear people talking about how you should line up all the Muslims and shoot them, kill all the black protesters.
I go out being visibly trans and I get followed through the grocery store - it's every single time I go out. I was fired from my job and denied benefits that I had earned, and I'll never see those benefits. They lied about the reason they fired me. They get away with it because I'm completely isolated and have no recourse. Living here is a constant stream of bigotry and discrimination.
I can't imagine Kosciusko County has changed much over the years. I don't know how it could have changed, because it's set up in such a way that it can't ever change, or at least I can't see how it could ever change. It's depressing as fuck. This whole experience has been very sad.
Being trans and being queer is just being who I am. It's the way I experience the world. I love who I am. I'll never try to be someone else to win the favor of others, because I only have this one way to experience the world. Trying to be anything else has always been impossible; it's always run me into a dead end.
25. Nonbinary trans woman. White. Disabled. Moved here in 2009.
When I moved here, I was fed up with organized religion, even though I was very much religious. I still very much believed in god and thought that the ultimate goal of my life was to bring glory to god, but I saw that the church wasn't providing any useful function. In fact, I thought that the church was standing in the way of my relationship with god. Now I realize it was standing between me and my own humanity. Moving here gave me a lot of time to be alone, because there was no one else to be with; for years I had no friends, very little human interaction for years. It forced me to figure things out on my own. No one here has ever enabled me to do anything.
Unfortunately it is very dangerous to engage in clandestine sexual encounters, because even the queer people here have been forced to internalize these fucked up ideas about themselves. They're forced into hiding and they're forced into these clandestine encounters. That's isolating, and isolation produces a dangerous 1-on-1 that is prone to becoming abusive. It's not healthy to hide integral parts of yourself. For a very short time I took part in those kinds of encounters, and I realized how dangerous it was and stopped.
I'm very private and very political. I mean, I'm forced into privacy by nature of having my own thoughts and not conforming to whatever I'm told to believe. I don't try to have a political influence around here; there's really no point. It's not even a matter of hiding. It's more a matter of there's nowhere to go, unless you agree that we should line up the Muslims and gays and shoot them. There's no place for me here. Every time I leave the house, every time I interact with someone in this city. You just walk around and you hear people talking about how you should line up all the Muslims and shoot them, kill all the black protesters.
I go out being visibly trans and I get followed through the grocery store - it's every single time I go out. I was fired from my job and denied benefits that I had earned, and I'll never see those benefits. They lied about the reason they fired me. They get away with it because I'm completely isolated and have no recourse. Living here is a constant stream of bigotry and discrimination.
I can't imagine Kosciusko County has changed much over the years. I don't know how it could have changed, because it's set up in such a way that it can't ever change, or at least I can't see how it could ever change. It's depressing as fuck. This whole experience has been very sad.
Being trans and being queer is just being who I am. It's the way I experience the world. I love who I am. I'll never try to be someone else to win the favor of others, because I only have this one way to experience the world. Trying to be anything else has always been impossible; it's always run me into a dead end.
25. Nonbinary trans woman. White. Disabled. Moved here in 2009.
Friday, February 26, 2016
Minnie
I have definitely grown over the years. It took a long time to accept my sexuality because living in such a conservative environment, it’s been a struggle. Maybe it’s because it took me so long to come out, because I never had a strong support system until the last couple years, that I’m finally pretty okay with my sexuality. It’s hard getting over stigma and religious beliefs, but I’ve definitely grown a lot as I’ve gotten older and I give less fucks now. Being in a conservative church for so long, living in that culture of shame and guilt… it’s so hard to explain. Even though you logically know things, you still have that brainwashing left you’re trying to get over. I’m okay with myself logically, but there’s still that leftover spiritual abuse. I’m fine being open about it, but it’s hard putting it into words, all the feelings and stuff.
Living here has made me incredibly angry, the longer I live here the more it drives me to try to change things, and to try to be the best ally I can be to other people in the LGBT community and to try to educate others. I’m still a work in progress myself. Since I came to the LGBT community, there’s still a lot I need to learn. I didn’t really know anybody from the community growing up. It really wasn’t talked about, at all.
Even in high school I didn’t know anybody. I kind of was a loner anyway, so I really didn’t pay much attention to what was going on. I was struggling with my own shit. I think that is why I didn’t come out. My parents didn’t really talk about it, plus being in the church, that was all negative, homosexuality was deemed sinful. I didn’t know anybody that was part of the community, I didn’t know what to do, so I kind of buried it. I didn’t know how to talk to my parents about it, so I just buried it. My dad’s an asshole, so there’s no way. He had issues with me just being different, period. If I had came out, it would have been hell. My mom kind of suspected, but she never really said anything, she kinda wanted me to figure out on my own. Negativity-wise, all of it came from the church, but outside of that I wouldn’t hear too much. That’s another thing: it’s either gay or straight, or you’re confused. That’s probably the reason I didn’t come out either, because people kept telling me that “oh you’re confused, because of your mental illness”. No, I’ve known since I was a child that I like both boys and girls. My first crush was a female. I didn’t know what my feelings meant, I couldn’t share them.
I definitely think this area is evolving. Despite it’s very conservative climate, there seems to be a growing number of people who are thinking outside the box, people that are more aware, and especially with the younger generations, they seem to be more culturally aware too, so things are changing. There’s still a lot of hostility especially toward the LGBT community. Personally I haven’t faced a lot of it, because I’m introverted, but maybe that’s because things are changing and a lot of old people are dying. It does seem like the political climate here is swinging more moderate. People seem to be waking up to various issues, there seems to be a growing acceptance of the LGBT community. There’s still tons of discrimination, that hasn’t gone away, but it seems to be gradually getting better. Kosciusko County is one of the most conservative counties in the country. Even though it’s really conservative, it seems like the younger generations are changing things here, so I have a lot of hope for things to progress, especially for the LGBT community.
I saw the need for the Warsaw LGBT and Supporters Group, knowing a lot of LGBT people wanted so desperately to connect, so I initially started a support group. I want to connect too, and since I'm trying to figure stuff out, I want to be around other people in the community so I could grow. Initially it was that I saw the need here and the desperate need, definitely. I had a friend originally say “you should start an LGBT group, you are passionate about LGBT issues, and there’s not really anybody else doing it, so you have a passion for social justice, so maybe you should focus on this.” (I feel bad because I don’t use the entire LGBTQIA+, I think it’s easier to use LGBT, sorry for alienating the other people.) Some of the friends I had already were part of the community. Friends of friends of friends. It’s funny too, because a lot of people I know say “you need to be friends with these people!” All of my friend groups are all connected to one another. That’s how I met so many. Otherwise I wouldn't seek out. Everything kinda fell into my lap.
It seems like there’s a really awesome sense of community in Warsaw. When you're connected, you’re really connected. There’s a lot of love here. I think some of us get lost in all the negativity but once you find a connection, it's really easy to find lifelong friends. Being a small town it’s easier to find connections, despite all the negativity, there are a lot of wonderful people here. Living in a small town it’s easier to find people, especially if they’re different, like you in some way, it’s easier to build lifelong friendships too. I’ve been enriched by the friendships, I want to be a better person because of my friends. They give me hope, they give me the drive to connect with other people.
I know a lot of people not part of the majority feel “oh there’s nobody like me”, but actually there are so many other people with the same desires. I know the hopelessness, I know the feeling of loneliness, but there are such amazing people here also wanting to fight the good fight, also wanting to raise awareness and educate here. I know it’s hard going out to try to connect to people, but once you find that, it’s amazing. This is why I want to live in a big city, but at the same time I know I wouldn’t make those connection in a big city. As much as I hate it here, I know if I move away I will never have those connections again. We’re all connected in some weird little way. There are people I didn’t even know existed here, and it was like WTF? Especially our generation, we are connected. In high school there were a lot of people that I knew, and then I became close friends with them after high school. A lot of them chose to stay here. All the atheists, LGBT, progressives, they all hang out with each other and have friends with each other. Once you meet one person, you meet everybody.
I would like the group possibly to become a not-for profit and set up something in Warsaw that helps especially LGBT youth, like a community center where they can come and get resources. Also I would like the group to be more politically involved, not only as a support group, maybe some sort of activism, connected to other activist groups in the area. I have a lot of ideas I just don’t know how realistic they are. I would love to buy a building when there’s money and use it as a community space, have somewhere we can regularly meet, services, counseling, but that’s a work. I would love to have an LGBT homeless shelter, or even a commune.
29. Bisexual woman. White. Poor.
Living here has made me incredibly angry, the longer I live here the more it drives me to try to change things, and to try to be the best ally I can be to other people in the LGBT community and to try to educate others. I’m still a work in progress myself. Since I came to the LGBT community, there’s still a lot I need to learn. I didn’t really know anybody from the community growing up. It really wasn’t talked about, at all.
Even in high school I didn’t know anybody. I kind of was a loner anyway, so I really didn’t pay much attention to what was going on. I was struggling with my own shit. I think that is why I didn’t come out. My parents didn’t really talk about it, plus being in the church, that was all negative, homosexuality was deemed sinful. I didn’t know anybody that was part of the community, I didn’t know what to do, so I kind of buried it. I didn’t know how to talk to my parents about it, so I just buried it. My dad’s an asshole, so there’s no way. He had issues with me just being different, period. If I had came out, it would have been hell. My mom kind of suspected, but she never really said anything, she kinda wanted me to figure out on my own. Negativity-wise, all of it came from the church, but outside of that I wouldn’t hear too much. That’s another thing: it’s either gay or straight, or you’re confused. That’s probably the reason I didn’t come out either, because people kept telling me that “oh you’re confused, because of your mental illness”. No, I’ve known since I was a child that I like both boys and girls. My first crush was a female. I didn’t know what my feelings meant, I couldn’t share them.
I definitely think this area is evolving. Despite it’s very conservative climate, there seems to be a growing number of people who are thinking outside the box, people that are more aware, and especially with the younger generations, they seem to be more culturally aware too, so things are changing. There’s still a lot of hostility especially toward the LGBT community. Personally I haven’t faced a lot of it, because I’m introverted, but maybe that’s because things are changing and a lot of old people are dying. It does seem like the political climate here is swinging more moderate. People seem to be waking up to various issues, there seems to be a growing acceptance of the LGBT community. There’s still tons of discrimination, that hasn’t gone away, but it seems to be gradually getting better. Kosciusko County is one of the most conservative counties in the country. Even though it’s really conservative, it seems like the younger generations are changing things here, so I have a lot of hope for things to progress, especially for the LGBT community.
I saw the need for the Warsaw LGBT and Supporters Group, knowing a lot of LGBT people wanted so desperately to connect, so I initially started a support group. I want to connect too, and since I'm trying to figure stuff out, I want to be around other people in the community so I could grow. Initially it was that I saw the need here and the desperate need, definitely. I had a friend originally say “you should start an LGBT group, you are passionate about LGBT issues, and there’s not really anybody else doing it, so you have a passion for social justice, so maybe you should focus on this.” (I feel bad because I don’t use the entire LGBTQIA+, I think it’s easier to use LGBT, sorry for alienating the other people.) Some of the friends I had already were part of the community. Friends of friends of friends. It’s funny too, because a lot of people I know say “you need to be friends with these people!” All of my friend groups are all connected to one another. That’s how I met so many. Otherwise I wouldn't seek out. Everything kinda fell into my lap.
It seems like there’s a really awesome sense of community in Warsaw. When you're connected, you’re really connected. There’s a lot of love here. I think some of us get lost in all the negativity but once you find a connection, it's really easy to find lifelong friends. Being a small town it’s easier to find connections, despite all the negativity, there are a lot of wonderful people here. Living in a small town it’s easier to find people, especially if they’re different, like you in some way, it’s easier to build lifelong friendships too. I’ve been enriched by the friendships, I want to be a better person because of my friends. They give me hope, they give me the drive to connect with other people.
I know a lot of people not part of the majority feel “oh there’s nobody like me”, but actually there are so many other people with the same desires. I know the hopelessness, I know the feeling of loneliness, but there are such amazing people here also wanting to fight the good fight, also wanting to raise awareness and educate here. I know it’s hard going out to try to connect to people, but once you find that, it’s amazing. This is why I want to live in a big city, but at the same time I know I wouldn’t make those connection in a big city. As much as I hate it here, I know if I move away I will never have those connections again. We’re all connected in some weird little way. There are people I didn’t even know existed here, and it was like WTF? Especially our generation, we are connected. In high school there were a lot of people that I knew, and then I became close friends with them after high school. A lot of them chose to stay here. All the atheists, LGBT, progressives, they all hang out with each other and have friends with each other. Once you meet one person, you meet everybody.
I would like the group possibly to become a not-for profit and set up something in Warsaw that helps especially LGBT youth, like a community center where they can come and get resources. Also I would like the group to be more politically involved, not only as a support group, maybe some sort of activism, connected to other activist groups in the area. I have a lot of ideas I just don’t know how realistic they are. I would love to buy a building when there’s money and use it as a community space, have somewhere we can regularly meet, services, counseling, but that’s a work. I would love to have an LGBT homeless shelter, or even a commune.
29. Bisexual woman. White. Poor.
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